deepresonance ask yourself: what is this?

As I walked into the passage she looked up.  It was almost as if she was waiting there for me and got distracted with some task at hand. "Tell me how you feel today." she said, clearly waiting for an answer but not looking at me directly.  

 

She managed so very well to create these moments that created space for me to be connected with her.  As if she displaced all the apprehensive air from a room in preparation for my arrival.  

 

"Somehow I am feeling enthusiastic, excited and full of anticipating energy."  It was almost strange to have these feelings in contrast with the ones that filled my head in the recent past.  It felt good.

 

She smiled mysteriously as she started to walk away from me.  "Well lets go and play then."  We walked further down the passage and entered a room to the right of the passage.  We normally spent time talking outside at the fireplace, or on the beach.  This was new.  The room was obviously there for a specific purpose.  It was circular in shape with a domed roof.  There was very little light in the room making it almost impossible to make out any features on the floor - an almost perfect half-spherical space.  I stopped just past the threshold.  The room had an almost dreamlike un-sharpness.  It was a little bit unsettling.

 

"Walk to the middle of the room and lets see what happens.  Relax.  This is a safe place.  I will be back later.",  she said as she promptly turned around and left the room.

 

I slowly started walking to the middle of the room not knowing whether I should go and sit down on the ground or just stand there.  As I approach the centre I was still trying to figure out what position to take when an immense tiredness overwhelmed me.  The decision whether to sit, stand or lie down was completely removed from my conscious mind.  My body overruled all of my thoughts as it started to lie down and curl up into a fetal position in the centre of the room.  I started to feel immediate relief from the tiredness as my head touched the ground and my eyes closed.  

 

I started to relax deeply and felt a deep layer of warm moss covering me, growing and covering the ground from the one side of the room to the other side.  As the moss covered the room I started to dissolve.  "Me" wasn't my body anymore, it was the moss, the ground and my sense of body slowly disappeared.  I felt myself embracing stones as the soil.  I felt myself touch the air above me.  I felt myself push through the surface of the ground as grass started to grow everywhere in the room.  I felt myself rise as a young tree sapling growing bravely from the ground to the sun above.  I could feel my branches stretching pleasantly into the sky as I grew wider and taller.  Like a climber stretching before scaling a cliff.  This was effortless and pleasant, as if it was meant to be.  I could stretch into every little twig, sprouting new leaves basking in the sun, wider and further.  

 

I became lively shrubs standing up around the tree - feeling in bright sunlight.  I felt a young vine starting to grow in lazy arches along the ground, finding the tree trunk and starting to slowly circle upwards towards to shining sun.  It found the first big branch of the tree splitting of the trunk.  I curled around the branch relieving the tension needed to grasp the main trunk of the tree.  Supporting my own weight not by my grip around the trunk as I hung of the branch and relaxed.  The growth slowed down -breathing a thousand shades of green.

 

Everything was connected.  It was all in harmony and somehow connected to my being.  I felt every stalk of grass, the vine, every scrub and every leaf and branch on the tree breathing.  Every part of me breathing simultaneously connected to every other part.  I could feel the sun on every leaf - the wind blowing, the moisture in the ground and the tension in the branches.  Everything breathed.

 

The growth slowed down to a trickle - mere maintenance.  The breathing continued.   Everything became calm and slow.  The sun shone.  The light breeze moved and everything existed.  After a few moments, which had the potential of becoming monotonous, I started to feel the changes.  The tree bark and wood became solid and strong. Slightly less green.  Dependable.  The vine was not hanging so much anymore but formed in its shape, suspended partly by its stronger bark.  The grass stood stronger and the shrubs stood more securely planted in the earth with their roots securely entrenched in the moist earth.  The breathing continued as everything entered into an effortless state of being.  Secure and calm. 

 

Was there a greater purpose in the breathing other than sustaining me?  Was I part of something bigger than what I could feel now?  

 

I knew that there was another growth phase somewhere in the future.  I could very slowly feel the anticipation building in every cell.  I was not looking forward to it yet.  The last one was still too recently completed.  I wanted to be like this for a while, not to become old and habitual but not constantly growing.  I could slowly feel the energy start building up.  Energy stores filling up again after being empty.  The promise of new buds on the tree, new growth in the vine and new shoots of grass - being ready for later.  Much later.

 

She entered the room as I sat up and opened my eyes.

 

from conversations at the end of the world